Down the Drain Chapter 1

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Down the drain

Molly looked down from the mezzanine at a table embroidered with golden leaves, where her mom, Madeline Pleasant, and her dad, Richard Pleasant – the 5th- were sitting. High above their heads there was an enormous chandelier, hanging from a thin thread that looked as if it would snap at the slightest sway of the chandelier.

“But mo-om, why do we need to meet the president tonight?” Molly asked hopefully “Tomorrow night would be just as good.” Molly came from a long line of millionaires. The man who had made all this money was her great-great-great-great grandfather, Richard Pleasant the 1st he had been beyond a billionaire. He had been an inventor, and invented a water purifying system that could filter even the murkiest water, and made billions from it. The money had lasted till now, and it was to last for centuries longer.

“We have to see him tonight dear, he is after all a very important man,” Madeline answered sternly. “and you will behave yourself like a fine young lady. Now go get ready. Bob will have the chariot ready soon.”

* * *

Will stared dolefully at the long shadows that the oak trees before him was casting. It was almost night. He sighed a miserable sigh. His mom and dad were dead, murdered, the reason for murder was unknown. He had no home. He was hungry and tired. At night, he couldn’t sleep, too scared that someone might come after him as well. It had happened before. It had been a night just like this one, and he had looked for a sleeping place in the oak trees when he had felt a tug at his arm. The next thing he knew he was on the ground, cold fists hammering into him. That time he had just escaped. He had to go back sometime, and now that he was cold again, the furry-looking branches of the trees didn’t look so bad or dangerous. He ventured closer, and climbed the most sheltered tree. Within seconds he was sound asleep.

Will felt a strong yanking at his collar. Startled he opened his eyes. There was a man standing below him, pulling him. The man yanked him out of the tree. The man had a big serrated knife, and was now standing over him with it. Will lay on his back, frozen with terror. He missed his mom and dad, but he wanted to stay on earth just a while longer. The man lunged at Will’s neck. Instinctively, Will threw himself several paces away. The man plunged his knife deep into the ground. He couldn’t get it out! Will jumped up, and ran away. The man shouted out a word that Will didn’t even know existed. He heard a horse’s hooves on the tar ground. Only the police still had horses in the city. The police! Will ran, glad to have some hope. But when he reached the road, he saw disappointedly that it was a carriage, which was strange. Not a car, but a carriage. Will ran on, fear making him unable to stop. The carriage was scarcely a foot away from him, but he leaped. His hands were searching for anything to grab onto. Finally they found something. It was a warm hand. Unable to let go, he dragged the person and hand with him. He felt a boot making contact with his ribs. He grunted. Finally he crashed to the ground, the figure above him. He saw with surprise, that it was a girl roughly his own age. The ground on which they were lying squeaked. They were lying on a manhole.

“Let go of me you scum!” The girl cried out in surprise. Suddenly the entire lid tipped, sending them falling down towards the drains. Will tried to close his eyes, but couldn’t. All of a sudden there was a flash of brilliant light, blinding him. Then everything went black.

* * *

In a land far in distance and time, in a cell of magic, Gelda the accused witch sat. Her cell number was two. There were eight cells. She was due for an execution burning in one day’s time. She was wrongly accused of murder with magic. She was a power full and beautiful witch. She had never even harmed a fly. But, now her heart ached and her soul was weary. She had been married to Eon, the great wizard king of the north. She had been crowned queen. She had she bore him three children, and was expecting a third when the dessert men came with their armies of thousands and took over the wizarding capital of D’oriente. Presently she whispered in ancient tongue, with her eyes lolled back in her head. She chanted:

Ontorgues,

Shantlee,

Omagta,

Latéme,

Ogata,

Om

K

It was a powerful spell that would be released the moment she breathed her last breath. Then, in the dust on the ground she drew a runemark It had one long center line, with many complicated squiggles and lines. It was a spell.

* * *

Molly was in a state of panic. She was confused. She had just been pulled from her carriage. Then she was falling. Then she hit the ground, and saw the black boy who had grabbed her. Then she was falling again. Then everything was black. Mainly because she had closed her eyes. Presently she didn’t know if she was falling, sitting, lying down or standing. It felt a bit like all of it mixed together. Suddenly, there was light. She opened her eyes. It was morning, and strangely, she was lying next to a massive “weeping willow”. It was no ordinary willow, all its leaves was a different shade of pink, purple, and blue. Molly pinched herself.

“Ouch!” She said aloud. Next to her was the boy who had yanked her from her comfy little carriage. He was still unconscious. Molly wondered what had happened. Well...She had been pulled out of her carriage, then she fell into...what did she fall into?

“Am I dead?” She asked herself. Suddenly she noticed that she was sinking. She was sinking into something white and gooey. She looked up, just in time to see a great red bird land on the lowest branch.

“You know,” It said “it’s really not very clever to fall asleep in the only spot in Cuento that is made of bird droppings.” Molly swallowed hard. The bird just spoke! She pinched herself again. No, she was awake.

“So…what inspired you to come here of all places. Was it maybe the wonderful fragrances, or the firm ground?” It asked sarcastically. Molly had just noticed the in-ignorable stench that surrounded the bird droppings. Molly was now up to her ankles in the droppings.

“C-c-c-can’t y-y-y-yo-yo-you” Molly stuttered.

“Help you?” The bird suggested. Molly nodded.

“Well…not really. The eighteenth chapter of the Phinoxian chamber of laws clearly states that no phoenix may help those who fall into the “White Grave”.” Molly closed her eyes, and lay down. She must be dreaming. Then, after a few moments of lying down, Molly fell asleep.

* * *

This time, Will woke first. He was lying in a cave. A very large cave, with an abnormal amount of light. Will looked around, but couldn’t figure what gave the light. On the walls there was writing of some sort. It was filled with x’s and z’s. But it was strange. It was written not in ink, but some kind of glowing red stuff, resembling fire. Will was fascinated. He stood up, and edged cautiously towards it. When he could finally touch it, he saw that it was indeed fire. He shuddered.

“Hey! What are you doing so close to the encryptions?” A gruff voice called out behind him. Will spun around. He gasped, and stumbled back into the wall. There in front of him stood a magnificent bird with red feathers covering it completely.The bird had long yellow tail feathers, and was magnificent beyond anything Will had ever seen before. It had a long tail, a long orange beak, and a strange mixture of green and blue eyes.

“I asked you…get away from the wall.” The bird said, trying to keep calm. Will sank to his knees. His entire body shivered even though he was sweating. He was terrified. He tried desperately to do what the bird told him, but just couldn’t. The whites of the bird’s eye, claws, beak, and tail feathers all turned to a deadly shade of red. All of the sudden a small flame started creeping up from the birds claws, to its beak. Suddenly the bird was ablaze. It spread its wings, and cried an ear-splitting screech. Will fell to the ground, once more unconscious.

* * *

Molly opened her eyes. She was lying, not on the bird droppings, but on a seemingly endless carpet of sand. It was a dessert.

“I see that someone has finally decided to pleasure me with their company.” A familiar voice said. A few paces behind her there stood the phoenix that she had seen at the white grave. Molly gaped.

“Wondering what to say? Thank you might be the best thing.” It said. Molly lay down again. The dream wasn’t over. The phoenix walked over to her, lifted its claw, and striked at her upper arm.

“Ouch!” Molly cried out. “Why did you do that for!?” She shouted.

“Well, firstly to wake you up, and then to tell you that you really should start talking more.” It said. Molly gazed at her arm. There was a small thin red line.

“Well you did do that bloody well!” She yelled. Suddenly she remembered to whom she was speaking.

“Ummm…What is your n-n-name?” She asked. She surely wasn’t asleep.

“Ucbix.” Ucbix said.

“U-u-Ucnax?” Molly asked

“Ucbix.” It corrected her. Then she noticed that Ucbix wasn’t exactly an it.

“Are you male or female?” She asked. Ucbix stumbled back, obviously offended.

“You scummish bastard!” Ucbix called out as he/she flew off. Molly sighed, glad that Ucbix was gone. Then she noticed the boy lying next to her. He opened his eyes. Molly jumped up.

“You!” She called out. “You brought me here and I expect that you will take me out again!”

“My name is Will. Not “You”.” Will said much to Molly’s displeasure.

“And you just said that I brought you into this world, and I must take you out? That sounds like a really angry father.” Will said again, smirking.

Will stood up.

“Do you even know how much I’ve been through in this world?!” The girl behind him called out.

“Seeing your black jersey full of white smears tells me that you were thrown in paint and seeing your face tells me that you didn’t like it.”

“It wasn’t paint it was bird droppings!” The girl shouted. Will put his hands to his ears.

“Well just a while ago a talking red bird blasted my brains out with a sound loud enough to crack through a 60 foot wall!” Will called out and started walking away.

“Hey! Where do you think you’re going?” The girl called after him, and started stomping after him.

“I haven’t eaten in two days…I’ll see if they have a hotdog stand somewhere!” Will called back sarcastically. The girl raced to his side.

“My name is Molly.” Molly said.

“Ok...Molly I think it would be a good idea if you walked ten paces behind me, and follow me.” Will said annoyed. Molly sniffed, and said, “I think that you best walk ten paces behind me.”

“Well what you think really doesn’t matter.” Will countered.

“You wouldn’t say that if you knew who I am.” Molly said.

“I know very much who you are. You are Molly Pleasant, your parents are millionaires who have never had to lift a finger their entire lives for anything.” Will said knowingly. Molly gaped. Will was satisfied. He turned around and started walking. Molly then turned around and stomped away.

* * *

Molly had regretted her decision within seconds of walking away from Will. It was now a few hours, and she could swear that there was a porcupine in her throat. She would have fallen to the ground if it hadn’t been for the fact that the ground was living fire. Suddenly she saw a group of about eighteen men on camels.

“Help” She peeped out. “Help!” She tried again, this time with more force. Obviously the men had seen her, for they were now galloping closer. After a few seconds they were close. Three of them got off their steeds and ventured closer.

“We could get a good price for “er” The one said with a thick Arabic accent.

“Tat we could.” Another said starting to play with Molly’s hair. She was too weak to protest.

“So pretty…what do you tink?” The first one asked.

“Me agree. Mmm…What about we put “er up for tree gold leaves?” The third asked.

“No!” The second one called out. “ME tink fo gold leaves, two silver pages, and sixteen bronze letters.” It didn’t take long for Molly to conclude that these men were slave traders. She tried to run away, but only managed to collapse, causing laughter among the slave traders. One came closer, pulled her up, and put a rope around her neck, which he then fastened . Pulling the one end ,he said: “Come slave!” And jerked her forward.

* * *

Comments & reviews · 6
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Down the Drain is one of the more compelling stories I have noticed today. The title drew me in, and the interesting story kept me there. You use great descriptive language, and you keep me wanting to know more. I do a some Critique for you, however...

The man who had made all this money was her great-great-great-great grandfather, Richard Pleasant the 1st (.) he had been beyond a billionaire.


You need either a period or a hyphen here.

He had been an inventor, and invented a water purifying system that could filter even the murkiest water, and made billions from it.


Two 'and's in one sentence = Big no-no. Either get rid of one or chop the sentence in two

Now go get ready. Bob will have the chariot ready soon.”


You could change the second ready to 'prepared' or something so you don't sound repetitive.

But, now her heart ached and her soul was weary.


You're never supposed to start a sentence with 'But' or 'And'. This sentence would probably work fine without it.

It was a powerful spell that would be released the moment she breathed her last breath. Then, in the dust on the ground she drew a runemark (.) It had one long center line, with many complicated squiggles and lines.


Forgot a period ;)

The only other thing I could think of was that you could stand to add some detail. Make your reader live what your characters are living. Smells, sights, sounds, tastes. Anything at all you can add to make the reading an enjoyable and fun adventure.


Other then those things, I love it!! Please PM me when you get another chapter out, because I can't wait for more!

User avatar
ATreeah
Comment

i only had time to get about a fourth of the way don (sorry my friend) but a tip i wanna offer is that it doesnt really have much transition or explanation for whats going on it just kindof jumps around

User avatar
Lord Anzius
Review

HEAR YEE.


I must firstly say... I'm exhausted.... It is sooo much easier to read from a book... Easier for my poor eyes.. but anywayz :backtotopic:


The idea (as already said) is quite original... I can find some connections to others stories I have read, I don't know if that is truly the case but anywayz.

I liked this piece because of the slight humor in it

“So…what inspired you to come here of all places. Was it maybe the wonderful fragrances, or the firm ground?” It asked sarcastically.


sweet sweet toilet humor.

Then I also would truly want more DESCRIPTION. You seem to lack it in your stories for some reason.. though in this piece there is more description than in your other story.

I won't go into the grammar because I think someone went into that already. I also am not so good in it XD


Good luck. I'll see when I'll critt the rest.. it will be soon.. don't worry.

******************************************************************************************

LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE :smt029 with his bodyguard :smt027

User avatar
Kaylyn
Review
Kaylyn wrote a review · Sun Sep 14, 2008 3:56 pm

I really like what you have got. Its a totally original idea. I hope you continue with it because well, I hate cliffhangers. I didn't find any mistakes that jumped out at me. I would say that if you posted your story in shorter sdections, it would make it easier to review. Anyways PM me when you get more posted on this story. Good luck with it, and I hope you continue.

User avatar
Reuben A
Comment

Thanks Bickazer, I really need all the critique I can find.

Reuben A

User avatar
Bickazer
Review

First off, I gotta start by saying I quite appreciate your username, Mr. Reuben. Mostly because these days I've been craving a Reubeun sandwich like all hell.

Anyway...onward ho with the review!

Down the drain


Is this the title of the chapter? Then perhaps you should make "Down the Drain", as that is more grammatically correct.

Molly looked down from the mezzanine at a table embroidered with golden leaves, where her mom, Madeline Pleasant, and her dad, Richard Pleasant V were sitting. High above their heads there was an enormous chandelier, hanging from a thin thread that looked as if it would snap at the slightest sway of the chandelier.


First of all, what is a mezzanine? *feels ignorant* But nice descript. of the chandelier.

But Mo-om, why do we need to meet the president tonight?” Molly asked hopefully. “Tomorrow night would be just as good.” Molly came from a long line of millionaires. The man who had made all their money was her great-great-great-great grandfather, Richard Pleasant I he had been beyond a billionaire. He had been an inventor, and invented a water purifying system that could filter even the murkiest water, making billions from it.The money had lasted till now, and it was to last for centuries longer.


Wow...well you sure jumped into the exposition fast. It'd been nice to have Molly, her mom, and her dad interact a bit more before springing the whole "millionaire" part on us. And are they millionaires or billionaires? There's a massive difference between the two...

“We have to see him tonight dear, after all he is a very important man,” Madeline answered sternly. “And you will behave yourself like a fine young lady. Now go get ready. Bob will have the chariot ready soon.”


Just made a few grammar fixes. I'd also have liked to see more interaction between Molly and her family; right now I haven't got much of a feel for their personalities.

Will stared dolefully at the long shadows that the oak trees before him was casting. It was almost night. He sighed a miserable sigh. His mom and dad were dead, murdered, the reason for murder was unknown. He had no home. He was hungry and tired. At night, he couldn’t sleep, too scared that someone might come after him as well. It had happened before. It had been a night just like this one, and he had looked for a sleeping place in the oak trees when he had felt a tug at his arm. The next thing he knew he was on the ground, cold fists hammering into him. That time he had just escaped. He had to go back sometime, and now that he was cold again, the furry-looking branches of the trees didn’t look so bad or dangerous. He ventured closer, and climbed the most sheltered tree. Within seconds he was sound asleep.


Wow...many issues here. First off, "Will" is a name that's become terribly common and overused in fantasy fiction. Off the top of my head I can think of Will Stanton from The Dark Is Rising, Will Parry from His Dark Materials, and that Will kid from the Rangers Apprentice series (sorry, haven't read those).

Also, your sentence structure needs work. That paragraph was just made up of many short, choppy sentences that make the prose feel awkward and uncompelling. Might I suggest merging some of those sentence stogether? Also, you could possibly break this paragraph up into several.

Startled he opened his eyes. There was a white man standing below him, pulling him. Automatically the word of a racist came to his mind.


What? Racist? I'm really confused now. O_o

The man yanked him out of the tree. The man had a big serrated knife, and was now standing over him with it. Will lay on his back, frozen with terror. He missed his mom and dad, but he wanted to stay on earth just a while longer.


That last thought was very cute and poignant. Exactly the kind of thing an orphaned child might think while in danger.

The man lunged at Will’s neck. Instinctively, Will threw himself several paces away. The man plunged his knife deep into the ground. He couldn’t get it out! Will jumped up, and ran away. The man shouted out a word that Will didn’t even know existed. He heard a horse’s hooves on the tar ground. Only the police still had horses in the city. The police! Will ran, glad to have some hope. But when he reached the road, he saw disappointedly that it was a carriage, which was strange. Not a car, but a carriage. Will ran on, fear making him unable to stop. The carriage was scarcely a foot away from him, but he leaped. His hands were searching for anything to grab onto. Finally they found something. It was a warm hand. Unable to let go, he dragged the person and hand with him. He felt a boot making contact with his ribs. He grunted. Finally he crashed to the ground, the figure above him. He saw with surprise, that it was a girl roughly his own age. The ground on which they were lying squeaked. They were lying on a manhole.


Whaaat? I'm going to have to confess I didn't read that whole paragraph, simply because it was so HUGE. I can tell that much of the action in this paragraph could actually be expanded into several. That'd make it much easier to read and much easier for the reader to keep up with what's going on.

Let go of me you scum!” The girl cried out in surprise. Suddenly the entire lid tipped, sending them falling down towards the drains. Will tried to close his eyes, but couldn’t. All of a sudden there was a flash of brilliant light, blinding him. Then everything went black.


Um...that ending is kind of...well. Knocking the character out is an extremely cheap and uncompelling way to end a chapter. Vaguely reminsicent of a certain Mister Paolini.

In a land far in distance and time, in a cell of magic, Gelda the accused witch sat. Her cell number was two. There were eight cells.


First of all, you could merge the last two sentences. Second of all, I'm getting the feeling that too much is happening too fast. Within the space of several short scenes you've introduced us to three distinct characters in three distinct places. I'm aleady feeling overhwlemed.

She was due for an execution burning in one day’s time. She was wrongly accused of murder with magic. She was a power full and beautiful witch. She had never even harmed a fly. But, now her heart ached and her soul was weary. She had been married to Eon, the great wizard king of the north. She had been crowned queen. She had she bore him three children, and was expecting a third when the dessert men came with their armies of thousands and took over the wizarding capital of D’oriente.


Um...dropping everything into an infodump is a big writing no-no. Do we really need to know all this now, or can it be revealed in bits and pieces over the course of the narrative? That'd certainly be a much more graceful way of presenting it than clumping it in one huge paragraph within sentences of a character's introduction.

Presently she whispered in ancient tongue, with her eyes lolled back in her head. She chanted:
Ontorgues,
Shantlee,
Omagta,
Latéme,
Ogata,
Om
K
It was a powerful spell that would be released the moment she breathed her last breath. Then, in the dust on the ground she drew a runemark.


Hmm, this is intreesting. Is the ancient togue based on any real language? The "Om" would imply a sort of connection to Hinduism...

And could you possibly describe exactly how this "runemark" looks?

Molly was in a state of panic. She was confused. She had just been pulled from her carriage. Then she was falling. Then she hit the ground, and saw the black boy who had grabbed her. Then she was falling again. Then everything was black. Mainly because she had closed her eyes. Presently she didn’t know if she was falling, sitting, lying down or standing. It felt a bit like all of it mixed together. Suddenly, there was light. She opened her eyes. It was morning, and strangely, she was lying next to a massive “weeping willow”. It was no ordinary willow, all its leaves was a different shade of pink, purple, and blue. Molly pinched herself.


What? Whoa--this is all very confusing. Perhaps you should describe Molly's trip in the carriage before the boy pulls her out of it. Right now, you've just jumped in the middle of the action and that's off-putting.

“Am I dead?” She asked herself. Suddenly she noticed that she was sinking.She was sinking into something white and gooey. She looked up, just in time to see a great red bird land on the lowest branch.


You know, you could merge those last two sentences. "Suddenly, she noticed she was sinking into something white and gooey." That would make it flow better.

“You know,” It said “it’s really not very clever to fall asleep in the only spot in Cuento that is made of bird droppings.” Molly swallowed hard. The bird just spoke! She pinched herself again. No, she was awake.


Er...a talking bird? Where'd that come from? Interesting, but it seemed to have burst out of nowhere.

“So…what inspired you to come here of all places. Was it maybe the wonderful fragrances, or the firm ground?” It asked sarcastically. Molly had just noticed the in-ignorable stench that surrounded the bird droppings. Molly was now up to her ankles in the droppings.


Eww, poor Molly.

“Well…not really. The eighteenth chapter of the Phinoxian chamber of laws clearly states that no phoenix may help those who fall into the “White Grave”.” Molly closed her eyes, and lay down. She must be dreaming. Then once again every thing went black.


Wow, that's one mean bird.

And again, you've ended with an "everything went black" cliffhanger. Big no-no! And by the way, what happened to the boy who pulled Molly from the carriage?

This time, Will woke first. He was lying in a cave. A very large cave, with an abnormal amount of light. Will looked around, but couldn’t figure what gave the light. On the walls there was writing of some sort. It was filled with x’s and z’s. But it was strange. It was written not in ink, but some kind of glowing red stuff, resembling fire.


Nice description, though again some of the sentences feel a bit choppy. Are those the runs Gerda was using?

Will was fascinated.


Er, no...don't just say he was "fascinated"...try to SHOW his fascination, not tell it. Actually, you could merge it with the next sentence, something like: "Fascinated, Will stood up and edged cautiously towards the writing on the cavern wall."

He stood up, and edged cautiously towards it. When he could finally touch it, he saw that it was indeed fire. He shuddered.


You should probably describe how Will found out it was fire--he probably burned himself, didn't he? Have him yell "ouch" and jump back, and realize he's just burned himself.

“Hey! What are you doing so close to the encryptions?” A gruff voice called out behind him. Will spun around. He gasped, and stumbled back into the wall. There in front of him stood a magnificent bird with red feathers covering it completely. Unlike the one Molly had seen this one had yellow tail feathers. Indeed, this one was even more magnificent than the previous one. It had a long tail, a long orange beak, and a strange mixture of green and blue eyes.


Wow...more talking birds. That's damnably weird. But one little nitpick--don't mention Molly, as Will presumably doesn't know her yet. Since you're narrating this bit from Will's perspective, it wouldn't make sense to mention Molly, capische?

“I asked you…get away from the wall.” The bird said, trying to keep calm. Will sank to his knees. He was terrified.


Again, you could probably do well to "show" Will's terror, instead of just saying it. Something about him trembling, his heart racing, sweat standing up on the back of his neck...those kinds of things...

He tried desperately to do what the bird told him, but just couldn’t. The whites of the bird’s eye, claws, beak, and tail feathers all turned to a deadly shade of red. All of the sudden a small flame started creeping up from the birds claws, to its beak. Suddenly the bird was ablaze. It spread its wings, and cried an ear-splitting screech. Will fell to the ground, once more unconscious.


Again...you left off with a character falling unconscious. Really--stop to think about what would really happen if these kids kept falling unconscious repetetively, over and over again. It's an easy way out for a writer, but physiologically I doubt it could be good for any of them. If they do fall unconscious, have them feel effects from it, such as being sluggish or disoriented. And have a reason for it, instead of them simply blacking out willy-nilly.

Sorry, but this is astonishingly long--a bit long for me to review in one sitting. I'll try to get to the rest later, but already I have a general feel for the work.

All I can say is--do more showing, less telling. Also, describe your characters more. I honestly know nothing about Molly, Will, and Gerda--how do they look, how old are they, where are they all from? You've described them in big infodumps but I still know absolutely nothing about them. The fast scene breaks come too suddenly and my hugest pet peeve with this whole work is--the falling unconscious. Honestly, it seems you end every scene with someone blacking out.

It seems interesting, and the parts with the impudent red bird made me giggle, but all the same this feels like too much too fast and I don't know enough about the characters to feel a really close connection to any of them. Therefore, what happens to them barely impacts me, which isn't a good thing. You want your readers to FEEL for your characters.

You have good ideas; you just need to work harder on your execution.



i understand why roosters scream in the morning
— SpunkyMonkey